Work was good today. Felt fine there. Managed to laugh. As soon as I come out of there I drop. Security goes out the window. Sometimes I walk and suddenly a thought comes into my head. I twitch as if I'm trying to fight something off my body. Thought about her twice today. for a few seconds. Twitched.
Wasn't suicidal today. A shot of vodka got left on the table from 2 nights ago. I got.... rid of it. Maybe I'll take a shot or 2 each night. Maybe It'll help me sleep. Maybe I'll get addicted and end up on the street. Maybe a car will run me over tomorrow morning on the way to work. I don't know.
Still listening to amateur religious debates on youtube. Amusing. Scary. Tried finding something happy to listen to. Listened to vagabondsteve for a bit. He hasn't posted for a long time. Maybe I should listen to all of it. Downloaded all of them.
Get scared when I leave work. Maybe I'm addicted to feeling like crap. I feel safe feeling like crap. I don't have to do anything but cry and hurt. Can't listen to anybody. People call me and I can't talk to them. I don't want to listen to them. I'm tired of not being good enough. I'm not good enough. Why am i not good enough. Why can't I listen.
Chest hurts. Will attempt to make a salad and eat some fruit tonight. I miss my cat. Every week It's a new worry that something will happen to her. Or that she'll get depressed and develop a tumour or something. I need to move from this place to my own apartment. I can afford it. It'll be better for me. Then I can have a better chance of bringing her here. And then she'll maybe only be alone on the weekends. But then again I have no real reason to go back to Haifa any more on the weekends.
Bye.
Yey.
ReplyDeleteSalad.