Wen dancing today

I has a date :)
She has a cute :)
Potential ahead.
<3
good night.
thank you to everybody who cares :)
love you.

Danced

Danced today
Danced yesterday
It was good.
Thank you to the people who cared.
Good night

its' ok

it's getting easier to disappear.
it hurts less now
soon it won't hurt anymore
nothing will hurt anymore.
no more pain.
i'll be numb.

calm

good day at work.
home.
sleep
nightmare.

GO AWAY

I DON'T WANT YOU IN MY HEAD ANYMORE !!! IT HURTS !!! GO AWAY !!! GET OUT OF MY HEAD !!! YOU HAVE NO PLACE THERE ANYMORE !!! GET OUT OF MY HEAD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET OUT OF MY HEAD !!!!!! GO AWAY !!!! I WANT TO DIG YOU OUT OF MY HEAD IT HURTS !!! GET OUT OF MY HEAD !

Nothing

Ordering me around. Do this. Do that. Come here. Feel like this. Feel like that. Don't do this. Don't do that. Think like this, Think like that.

Why did you think that will work ?

I don't want anything. Don't tell me what I want. Or ask me what I want.
I don't know any more. And forcing me doesn't work.
I just sink back inside.

These spouts are pointless. I don't know why I keep writing. I don't even know if anybody is reading. People only call me when I feel bad. I don't want your pitty.

destruction

nobody has to worry i'll bother them anymore. I don't have anybody's phone number anymore. i'm eating now. i showered. if anybody is still reading my pain, it's your decision.

stop

I won't hurt anybody anymore
I won't ask for anything anymore.

Afraid

Afraid they will find me and put me away again. Everybody leaves. Everybody uses me and goes away. They'll put me away again. I'm afraid. I have nothing left. They'll put me away. I can't stay. Can't leave. Afraid. Hurts. They;k put me waway.
Nobody here
nobody left
alone

Silence

Nothing
Void
Quiet

i'm still fake

It's all a game.
It'll be over.

Fake

There is nothing here any more. It's all fake. People using each other. Using me. Nothing left here. Rotting away from the inside. Falling. Listening to the noise. It's not helping. It's noise. No touch. Can't touch. Hurts. Want to fade away. Can't words any more. Don't want to see. Can't see anything. Sinking. Falling. Black. Keyes.
English. Black. Nothing. Empty. tired. On and on and on  and on  movievampires
noises
tytping
i'm typing
why am i typing
ggrrepqeeigpeeeeoeeeeeeee stupid
going to his post now
i have nothing else to do but cry
hurt cry and write
hurt cry wnr etirw
go away
go away
go away
nobody here

Demands

Everywhere I go I only see demands. If I wanted demands I would stay at work. At least they pay me for their demands. Outside I'm not good enough. Do this. Do that. Be on time. Act like this. Feel like that. You have 1 month to feel better. I can't take it any more. I stay later at work. Until I get tired. Until I can't concentrate any more. Then I go home and listen to noises. Anything to stop me from thinking or feeling. I can't go outside. There will be more demands. Go away. I don't know why I'm writing. I don't know who is reading or why. I don't know any more. All there is is pain. It won't go away. The thoughts won't go away. Killing me. Knife twisting in my chest.

Frozen

I can't go away. And I can't stay. I can't be around people. It hurts me. I can't run away. It hurts them. I don't know what to do I'm caught in the middle. I can't breath. I can't think. Nothing is good enough. I'm acting like a child. I'm not listening. I can't listen. It hurts. I can't move. I have no energy left. I can't breath. I want to freeze. I don't want to think any more.

Empty

No words
Chest hurts. I want to throw up. I need noise to stop thinking. Tired. Not making sense. Sinking. Senseless. I want to forget everything. Was afraid at work today for an hour. Didn't feel safe. Went outside. Tried to cry. Couldn't. Nobody can see me cry. Can't make a scene. People will take me away. I'll lost the job. Afraid.

Forget

I want to forget everything.
I don't want to know what I know.
I don't want to know anything.
Blank.
Empty.

Maybe

Maybe I don't know how. Maybe I don't know how to love. maybe all I can do is give. Maybe that's not enough. What is enough ? Would somebody tell me what is enough ? What do you want me to be ? Why ? What else can I do ? What do you need from me ? What can I do for you ? Will I be left with something in the end ? I don't want to be empty any more. I don't want to be left behind.

One more shot and then maybe I'll fall asleep.

Started staying late at work. Feel safe there. Only leave when I can't think anymore. And even then I stay and push myself for another 30 minutes. I don't want to leave. I don't want to go home. There is nothing there. I don't want to start hurting. Nowhere i know to feel safe. I don't know what I'm doing anywhere else anymore. Managed to listen to music at work. Streaming salsa.
I can't stand some people anymore. I don't have strength for them. Some hate me. Some maybe understand. I don't know.

Afraid to lose my job. Afraid to lose the only safe place I have right now. I'm doing a good job. At least I think I am. It looks like it to me. I can still concentrate there. Even if I can't communicate very happily with others. I communicate.
I don't know what to do if I lose the job.

Can't talk to parents. Can't handle their emotions any more.

I don't want to see anybody anymore. I'll just start crying.

Tired. Noise. Too many thoughts. Scary.

I don't know

Work was good today. Felt fine there. Managed to laugh. As soon as I come out of there I drop. Security goes out the window. Sometimes I walk and suddenly a thought comes into my head. I twitch as if I'm trying to fight something off my body. Thought about her twice today. for a few seconds. Twitched.
Wasn't suicidal today. A shot of vodka got left on the table from 2 nights ago. I got.... rid of it. Maybe I'll take a shot or 2 each night. Maybe It'll help me sleep. Maybe I'll get addicted and end up on the street. Maybe a car will run me over tomorrow morning on the way to work. I don't know.

Still listening to amateur religious debates on youtube. Amusing. Scary. Tried finding something happy to listen to. Listened to vagabondsteve for a bit. He hasn't posted for a long time. Maybe I should listen to all of it. Downloaded all of them.

Get scared when I leave work. Maybe I'm addicted to feeling like crap. I feel safe feeling like crap. I don't have to do anything but cry and hurt. Can't listen to anybody. People call me and I can't talk to them. I don't want to listen to them. I'm tired of not being good enough. I'm not good enough. Why am i not good enough. Why can't I listen.

Chest hurts. Will attempt to make a salad and eat some fruit tonight. I miss my cat. Every week It's a new worry that something will happen to her. Or that she'll get depressed and develop a tumour or something. I need to move from this place to my own apartment. I can afford it. It'll be better for me. Then I can have a better chance of bringing her here. And then she'll maybe only be alone on the weekends. But then again I have no real reason to go back to Haifa any more on the weekends.

Bye.

Unstable

Thoughts going through my head. Trying to get them out. Too many things happening. Burning connections with people around me. Confusion and insecurity wherever I look. Only place I feel safe is at work. There I can think, and do pretty things. Sometimes they ask me to do boring things, and I do them anyway.

Got drunk last night. For the first time in my life. Started feeling the effect after 6 shots of vodka. Stopped at 8 or 9. Started happy, then horny, then sad, then I went for a walk, they I got suicidal, and then I went home to sleep. Called a bunch of people and said a bunch of things. Some funny. Some scary. Called the Ex. Cried. I can't decide if I love or hate her. She was kind, and mean at the same time.

Last night I disconnected from facebook. No more virtual friends for me. If you want me, you'll get in touch. I can't handle being the caring person I was up until now. I have no strength left after investing myself in other people. I need to start thinking about myself. I don't know what to say to anybody. I barely recognise anybody anymore. I don't know who my friends are.

Good night.